Bred Crumb

Crumbs are everywhere-
Crumbs are on tablecloths.
Crumbs are on chopping blocks
Big crumbs on  a stove.
Small ones caught in the hair
beneath a nose.

There are crumbs on floors,
underneath of chairs
and edges of plates
crumbs suspended in air
by a tempest of fates

Some are in a sweater
and some are in a lap
crumbs appearing everywhere
and some that we unwrap.

There are crumbs for mice
and crumbs for birds
even a crumb for the lowly worm
crumbs for sweeping, crumbs for baking and keeping
even crumbs from eating before sleeping

There is a gluttony for crumbs
tasting a million
to make just one
minute of hunger abate, and poof!
the crumb is gone
and the hunger remains.

I want to expand my opportunities to share and interact through this blog, So I thought I would start putting some poetry out there. This was written and first published in 2000. I have included it here as it first appeared in the Writers Center of Indianapolis literary magazine, The Flying Island, Volume 8, Number 1.

Hostile Africa

The Elephant Tree reminds me of you
shiny light leaves in the moonlight

Quite possibly you were

Teaching the leopard new tricks
changing spots, shifting eyes, red lips
fang and file to a point

you could never get across

the vast savannas of your heartache
thunder of Victoria's falls pulsing
in your soul white noise

Drowning out the shouts of your grief

over why one missionary
in erring, abused your heart.


Photograph courtesy of  Melissa Scott.
You can see more of this award winning nature photography by clicking the link below:

https://melissascott.zenfolio.com/

      Photography Courtesy of Lillian Scott

Ode to Walt Whitman

I.

I am solely, 

a blade of grass

I am a lonely blade

I am to you

most often overlooked

II.

I am colored and bright green

infiltrated and fully saturated

the chlorophyll

the chemistry 

and photosynthesis of your soul

Turning sunlight,

thru fusion

into oxygen.

I am a single blade of grass

I am a host and a multitude

I am legion

a horde in number

a terrible living comfort

III.

I am archetype 

the only blade of grass

bright green and blue green

and un-bleached when dying

I am becoming dirt with all 

to live on in fertile reconstruction

I am fine and tendrils 

close upon translucent

Light deprived chutes

imbibing the essence 

entombed in discarded carbon

I am gnosis

underground, unconscious

convert of concealed thirst

I have risen

composed erect

I am swagger and silentious

if you ask the wind....  

I am master of nothing  

I am quickly cut

and uprooted-  never completely

IV.

To say ....    

                         "Breath"

You breathe in what we share

The atmosphere, your gravity shed

snake skins of memory discarded 

entrails of touch, sweat, dew 

the entropy of our union

taking for granted, all that is solidly

bestowed by dirt and secluded process,

from dulled wits to empty sockets.

I grow even yet

I sustain and support

I am a light tickle

here

waiting for you to take off your shoes

V.

I am

Walt Whitman's dream fading 

from overexposure, receding

from composture reasons

our surfaces pierced by stone

Brittle crusted and dusty boned

covering for every regret.

our love

a remarkably used rug

always free 

and growing unrestrained.

I am a single blade

rotating listlessly,

catching every leaf in sight-

resuscitating before letting them go

deeper into my soil

I am pushing the blade that pierces

I am saying "take and eat, this is my body"

I am hay

of a minuscule variety

too plain to ponder

my own significance. 

VI.

I am

I am a single blade of grass

I am the summer and days of your youth

I am the memory of scents long forgot

If I could

I would 

want to taste once more.

Social responsibility in crisis.

Social responsibility in crisis.

(A personal observation and commentary on the corona virus pandemic of 2020.)

 A brief disclaimer before we jump in: It is true this is a new circumstance for all of us. It is temporally transient by nature as humankind works to find a solution. 

         Everyone is dealing with the virus. I cannot begin to assuage the pain and suffering of those who have lost loved ones to this pandemic, or those on the front lines fighting and caring for so many sick people. I hope you can forgive my words as words whose intention is in this present moment, words of hope. We all know we are not alone in being affected by the pandemic.To what degree, some much more, others less or not at all. So far I personally have only lost a job of 12 years due to the virus's impact on my role and how it impacted public health and safety. I may be able to return to it, it may never return. These are truly times of uncertainty. 

          I go out now and I wear a mask.  In the beginning of the crisis, I was more concerned about the socially irresponsible behavior of other people and not my own, but as I have settled into the new normal, I find myself taking socially responsible actions, not out of fear of death, not because I want to stay healthy (although I do) or an express desire for longevity.  

         The thought of me being the person responsible for the death or deaths of others is not a regret or guilt I want to live with. So, I wear a mask, wash my hands every time I go out, use hand sanitizer, and do my very best to respect the personal space of other people.

        I have noticed a few things. People in public are not practicing socially responsible behavior. There are so many people who are not wearing a mask out in public. When I went to the grocery store the other day, there were at least 7 out of every 10 people without a face mask. In light of the human losses to this virus, I struggle as I consider the myriad reasons for what I am observing. I can't explain fully, I can only hope to keep a simple understanding.

           

       By nature, people are selfish and self-centered in their thinking and actions. Sure, there are a million different reasons people will give for not wearing a face mask. The sociologists may explain a resistance to change, some will use this opportunity to stroke their ego and bravado, some misguided practitioners of personal faith claiming their God is bigger than the virus, (which in every theological argument is true.) are using their faith to ignore their responsibility to love their neighbor as themselves while revealing they have little notion what Jesus meant when He said it (or how much they are loved, take your pick.). Others are suffering from the sickness of rationalization and self justification. 

           

    What I can say with absolute certainty, generally speaking. People in our age of instant gratification do not have the patience or stamina to see this through to true equilibrium (vaccine, antidote etc...) without pushing back in an effort to regain their personal ease and comfort.

           

       Until we are completely at peace with being uncomfortable, we will all push back at the things which inconvenience us. What this reveals is our unwillingness to suffer, whether that suffering was thrust upon us or we chose to shoulder the burden. Suffering postponed is suffering prolonged and increased. 

       Still, our desire for comfort blinds us to see the path to true rest and peace lies in passing through suffering, not avoiding it. Allow yourself to suffer through this now to begin healing now. Do what only you have to do for you to be at peace. 

       You will never be able to control circumstances, situations or people well enough to satisfy you. You can however, control your own actions. 

     So to honor the memory of those who have already lost their lives and to preserve the lives of those who yet may, please find the character to be responsible. Wear a face mask and respect the space, sensitivities, and choices of others who may not be willing for you to put their life at risk.

Uneasy Peace

I have not always had or led a peaceful life. I had some very painful experiences growing up, and by the age of 13, in my mind and heart, i'd turned my back on God, telling myself suffering may be good for saints, but I'm no saint! I had enough of suffering. That pride eventually became fear and then rage. I was at war with the world and myself. I lacked the willingness and desire to accept life's terms. Life was not fair, God was not just, and the world would be a better place if there were less people in it.

I do not believe I can explain to you what happened to me with words, in a way that would cause you to realize the truth of the experience. I can only tell you, that in that dark moment of my life, something powerful happened. It happened with purpose and direction. I had a thought I'd never had before. I took actions that I was completely powerless to perform before. All because I uttered a very simple prayer, God, help me.

It's personal. This story is for me. The value of its meaning resides in me.  It's power is a source of strength for me.

I would tell people this story, looking for them to see the power in it, but have come to find out, it's power is not in how God changed me or my life. It's real power is hope.

Hope of healing, of recovery, of moving from surviving to thriving.

I started telling you this because of one anecdote. I was three years post-prayer, standing at the sink washing dishes, and was quite unaware that I was whistling or of the reasons why. When i realized I was whistling because I was happy, I stopped.  Not because I wasn't a happy person. I stopped because I had not been this free or happy for a very long time......

Sometimes it's good to be uncomfortable.

Holding on and stuck in time...

In my earlier blog, Sorry seems to be a useless word, I suggested that confessing the exact nature of our wrongs was what was necessary for making straight, our thinking and our lives.

To go a little deeper in our understanding of this concept, we need to go back to a point in every persons life.

At some point we were all children. I believe that all of us at one point were children at heart (if you are still, God bless you, now go bless someone else!).
Pure and simple, completely open to perceiving all things with an open mind and being "childlike."

Over the years,  I've spoken or worked with people who had crime, alcoholism, drug addiction, abusive past or present, some form of hurt, habit or situation in their lives. To date, none have said to me,

"You know, when I was little, I woke up one day, got out of bed and made a conscious decision. I made a vow to myself -when I grow up, I'm going to be a bully, (or abusive, or a career criminal, or a misogynist, or a misandryst, or an addict or alcoholic or have a life filled with pain and resentment etc...)

You get the point.

So, what happened between then and now? Is it as simple as the old Nature vs. Nurture? Some of us were born bad? Or we're a product of our environment?

The work of us who wish to walk a spiritual path begins in our own lives. Isn't it then odd, that in beginning this work we find that our lives are lived forward and understood backwards and the things we find most difficult to accept are things that have already happened and that we are powerless to change.

I have come to believe for myself that who I am and what my life has become (Definition: how I treat others as the measure of identity) is a result of the choices I've made. How I have responded to events in my life has far more to do with what and who I've become.  It's a path that eschews self victimization and  forsakes all forms of irresponsibility, no matter what my current condition or situation may be.

This is a hard teaching, but why is it so difficult for us to discern this path?

I willingly declare I have been a victim at my own hands at least one time. Either due to lack of experience or my own poor judgment or decision making - but, only one time. The first time I make that poor choice or bad decision. Every time after that, it becomes a choice that I am responsible for.

Most all of us want to understand the why's of any or all of the sources of pain in our lives. And understanding, while good, is only a starting point on the way to where we all ultimately want to be - at peace.

Practicing acceptance as the key or crux of reconciliation, is the only bridge strong enough to carry us all the way to forgiveness of self and others.

But how can we practice acceptance for others when we ourselves do not possess it or know it personally in our own life experience? (Is there a person, place or condition in your life you find unacceptable?....)

How can we know acceptance personally unless some one is sent, who knows the way, and shows us acceptance.

Sometimes, the person God sends to show us love or acceptance,  we don't or can't recognize. Why is this? Is it because of our own expectations and unexamined beliefs of what love and acceptance means? Could our vision be clouded by who or what we believe God is?  Or is it the hardness of our hearts, in anger over injustice, real or imagined, or out of fear of what we will become if we let go and surrender?

At this point I'm thinking of Jesus,  who picked the rejects and the not good enoughs, the losers from the Jewish rabbinical teaching tradition He picked them to change the world.

He "sent them".

Newsflash.... He's still sending them!!!

In closing, I ask only are you willing to believe, that your greatest pain, shame, or guilt, could have a purpose you can't see or imagine? Are you willing to believe that God believes in you?

1 Corinthians 1:27
   " God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong"

Sorry seems to be a useless word...

When I was growing up with two sisters and a brother, we would fight as kids do. Sometimes we would cross the line and have to apologize.
Even as an adult, we can and have crossed relationship boundaries and inflicted harm, but is saying your sorry enough? What is necessary to amend the breach, to get a Mulligan, make up for that party foul?

Many of us have that friend or family member who seems to do a lot of saying they're sorry. After a while, the words don't change a thing, and if you've ever had to be the one saying it repeatedly, it becomes a source of pain, hypocrisy, and shame. Eventually we stop saying it at all, and either push people away, or run away ourselves. My experience with this has led me to see that saying sorry doesn't equal repentance.

The word repentance means to turn away from. So in light of this definition, has sorry got the power to turn us away from the harmful or wrong behaviors in our lives?

I think not. At least not in my experience. So where does that leave us? What is necessary to attain repentance?

Every one of the major world religions have one thing in common - confession.
What is confession? One current and popular understanding of confession is telling another person or a priest what acts you've committed that you believe are wrong or arouse feelings of guilt. But is it enough?  Or is it a half measure? If we are honest with ourselves, we see ourselves confessing the same acts over and over again. And through sheer repetition, grind down Gods feast of grace into just a meal that leaves us hungry.

Through my experience I have come to believe, that knowledge of our wrongs is not as important as the realization of the true nature of them. In other words, we must examine our motives. The what and, more importantly, the why of what we do wrong is what requires confession.

It also requires the viewpoint of another, after all, our own corrupted  view of ourselves and our actions is by its own nature, incapable of being unbiased, or true, if you will.

What we need is a trusted friend, who is willing to listen, be patient, and if they really love us, aren't afraid to tell us the truth about ourselves even if it will hurt or offend us on the way to freeing us from a bondage of our own making. 

Going to Church

I had to ask myself, what do I think of when I think of going to church? Well, I have to admit that going to church hasn't always been at the top of my list of things to do. When I was younger, my Grandma  and Mom forced me...dragging is the word that comes to mind. I wasn't sure what it was about. You Sat on a long bench, listened as one person stood and talked at/to you for an hour in a semi-monotone and it took all your strength not to either fall asleep or sit still, depending on how good the sermon was. This determined how much attention the adults were paying you.
As I've gotten older, my understanding and perception of church changed. I suppose it became a source of frustration as the pastor, or teacher would stand for an hour and monologue. It wasn't a dialog, or discussion, you just had to "take it on faith" that what they were saying was both true and right.  And with my maturity level, having little patience or tolerance for one-sided relationships and some shame over wrong life choices, it led me to walk away from the church.
A lot has happened since then.. I've gotten married, had kids, and after finding room for faith and God in my life, I've started going back to church.
To be openly honest, now church has become more about community than about my relationship with God. Since being raised in a capitalistic, materialistic Western society,  I see and know in part, the church as an institution, and in my vocation as a business manager I recognize when it is being ran like a business.
So I guess I can say I tolerate the churches "business" model. The sad part for me, and what I believe is the reason we read about the growing number of people, especially young ones, leaving the Church, is that the business model hasn't changed and has in some places, come to define what the church is, and the thin veneer of Sunday monologs can't  cover  the hollowness and shallowness of "business" relationships.
In my past experience Sunday has been about relationships- others trying to give you their relationship with God. It has always been about everyone agreeing that one person showing you only one way of looking at all of life is adequate.
I am not doubting the Holy Bible. I am saying that a dialog is closer to what my relationship with God has become. I hope you become fearless in talking to God, and then letting Him talk with you and you learn to listen truly, to what He says. If we see a person who looks like they're in need, do we stand and talk at them for an hour, telling them how to change their appearance to salve our discomfort at our own affluence , or do we show them charity, and kindness, or tough love when needed? More to come.....

Is there a place in the Church for the  voices of the immature in faith, the doubtful, the fearful? The Church is good at talking. Is it as good at listening, or creating an environment for everyone called by God can find their own voice, ask what God and faith mean to themselves, a place where all people can come and share their experiences of wrestling with God, life, joy and pain?

If my thinking is wrong, how can my wrong thinking correct my wrong thinking?

My wrong thinking cannot fix my wrong thinking. Right thinking and right feelings come after right actions, never before. If I pray for courage, faith, love, or strength,  in order to merely possess it for myself then it means nothing and I will be dissatisfied, intolerant and lacking of acceptance despite my prayers. If, however I act in courage or in faith, show love, or take action when I am fearful, then in that moment I possess courage, faith, love, and strength. Which is more important, that others be accepting, loving, forgiving, and repentant, or for me to be accepting, loving, forgiving and repentant?